Posted in Living Life, Random Thoughts

to-do vs done

My recent return from vacation had me wondering why I ever go on away. I came back to tons of laundry, an avalanche of emails, work hours my now relaxed body was unprepared for, and dirty city air. Not to mention the stress of unnecessary drama I was able to put on hold while away. Worst of all, the dreaded “To-Do” list had morphed into a diabolical monster I could no longer slay.

I became overwhelmed with all the things I had to do. This caused me to get sick. I had nausea and a fever every night for a week. I’m the type of person who can’t seem to find a middle ground. Once things get out of order even a tiny bit, I let them slide into chaos. I either have a place for everything and everything in its place, or I’m shuffling through piles of clutter I can’t seem to tackle. So I used to have a process to help me deal with my task list.

I was once told to write out my to-do list and address one thing at a time. The idea was that I could cross out each item once completed, and that action would cause me great satisfaction. This satisfaction would inspire me to do more and stave off chaos. This worked for a while. The problem was that my to-do list was never empty. While crossing things out was satisfactory, adding on new items or items that repeat (laundry, dishes) became tedious and draining. Depressing.

The problem started to be that I couldn’t look at the list without prioritizing. My priorities were almost always housework and chores. It’s a mindset I can’t seem to ever shake. So even if I did accomplish things like a nice walk or a bit of writing, I felt guilty because I saw all the other items on the list. Eventually, the list was so daunting I couldn’t do anything. Doing nothing felt better than doing the “wrong” thing. However, then guilt and stress would sink in. That’s how my post-vacation week has been; nothing got accomplished.

By the end of the week, I had to admit that those moments of nausea and fever were nothing new. They weren’t just post-vacation problems. This has been going on for a long time. Worse still, they are often preceded by what I can only describe as anxiety attacks. And these horrible moments of stress and illness add to my exhaustion, making my to-do list even more impossible, so the vicious cycle turns.

No more to-do list for me. I have a new plan, and perhaps it will work, and perhaps it will not. The reality is that I don’t need a list to know what tasks need to get done. Emails ding non-stop, clean clothes get sparse, clutter levels rise, and cupboards go bare. I do not need a list.

So instead of a “to-do” list, I create a mental “done list” at the end of the day.

This list can be anything. Did I do anything other than sleep- great, it goes on the list. Got dressed? It’s on the list. Ate breakfast? It’s on the list. I can’t look at a to-do list and feel good about the few things I’ve done when there are still so many things on that list. My done list makes me feel better. I may need to clean and grocery shop but decide to do gardening and writing instead. I may have goals that get blindsided by a random task or a time-sensitive emergency. Instead of seeing these as excuses for my incomplete “to-do” list, they now go on my “done” list. I can go to bed at night satisfied that I accomplished something instead of thinking about the rest of the items on an impossible to-do list.

It may seem like I’ve set a very low bar for myself, but you know what? It’s better than doing nothing. It’s better than stress, anxiety, guilt, headaches, sickness, and worry. My least favorite thing to say is “I have to” or “I should have”.
It’s no longer about what I still need to do; it’s about what I’ve done. Very similar to thinking about all I am grateful for, all I have, rather than thinking about the things I lack or may wish I had.

It’s a mindset, and I hope it works. While I was drafting this blog, I stopped to feed the birds, and I stopped to take a phone call planning a get-together. Tonight when my mind tries to rattle off things from a “to-do” list, I’ll fight back with my “done” list, and these will most certainly be counted.

Posted in Living Life, Random Thoughts

december

21 days left in 2020. Everyone talks about New Year resolutions, but what about end of year resolutions. And what about all those other sentiments such as “its not the destination but the journey” or “its not how you avoid conflict, it’s how you face it.” Well, 2020 is just about finished- how will it end for you? Will you start to make changes now or wait for something else to change you? Continue reading “december”

Posted in Living Life, Random Thoughts

Historically miserable?

Trying my darnedest to be happy this Thanksgiving.

How does that work? How can we when the year has been so difficult? So trying, so scary, and for many, it’s been so sad, how can we stay happy? What do we cling to, and more importantly, why? Is it survival? Are we merely surviving, and happiness is an essential substance we require to properly exist? And what of those who are unable to scout out or gather any happiness for themselves? How can we help, and what does that helplessness do to all of us?

Continue reading “Historically miserable?”
Posted in Living Life, Random Thoughts

Blackout Tuesday – time to listen

I live in Philadelphia which, as you know, has had a series of protests, rioting, and looting.

There has been a city-wide curfew for days now. I was working inside a building while it was being boarded up by management and on my way home I saw my bustling city quiet and empty. Many businesses were boarded up either out of protection or because they had windows already busted. Last night I was woken by explosions across the city and the hashtag “phillyexplosions” was trending on Twitter at 2am.

On social media, I am seeing a lot of people sad and/or outraged but their triggers are sometimes different.

People are angry at looters.
People are angry at cops.
People are angry with government.
And some people are frightened as well.

A lot of people are feeling frightened by the looting and rioting. People are afraid their homes will be targeted if they have an American flag. They are fearing for their children who are yound and afraid. They are preparing to protect themselves and their neighbors by any means necessary.

Yes, it’s been an upsetting few days for many who have lost property, been targeted, and felt unsafe in their own homes.

I’m sorry if the looters and rioters have scared you, they scare me too. I’m sorry you feel unsafe in your own home or feel targeted for something like the American Flag. Imagine being targeted for something you can’t take down like say,  oh- the color of your skin.  And not for just a few days, but for a few hundred years. Are you scared? Maybe you should be. I am certainly not condoning rioting or looting, I think it’s terrible, but I think it’s a terrible side effect of something larger.  Here’s what I mean;

Rioting & Looting are very much like vomiting and diarrhea: alone they are stupid and ugly and no one needs to be told how terrible they are.  But oftentimes they are symptoms of a much larger health problem.  And this world is very unhealthy. Keep treating the symptoms if ya want, but I do not recommend ignoring the deeper issues at hand.

And let’s not even get into the part about how these people afraid of looting have every right and government support to protect themselves. That may not feel like a luxury but it is because not every American can protect themselves without getting in trouble. There have been too many videos of authorities allowing people to assemble with weapons to protect merchandise but being violent against people assembling to protest.

So here comes the “not are cops are bad” people”.

Not all cops are bad – sure, but the ones who are, do not receive any reprimanding. They get slapped on the wrist.  However, when there’s a bad black man, he dies.  Black men  who are maybe bad are dead. Black people who some think are bad-ish are dead.  Black people who “look bad” are dead. And black people who catch the wrong cop on the wrong day are dead.

So while I agree that not all cops are bad, I’m not terribly concerned with their well being as a whole. I know cops die in the line of duty and I fear for them and for those I know personally who serve. But they chose that life, that job, that risk, that stigma. God bless them.

Black people did not choose to be hated.

So when people worry about “all cops” being grouped together (not unlike a prejudice against skin color) or about the violence and selfishness of looters instead of the violence of humans against humans- authorities against civilians – I begin to worry.

A part of me is frightened and confused about where the world is right now.  We have a pandemic going on, innocent lives being slaughtered in the streets, and white supremacy seems to be rampant within our own political system. Yes I did just say that because that’s what it seems like and if I’m wrong; prove it to me.

Prove it to me.

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The History Of White Supremacy in America

Prove it to me.

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Racial Inequality in American Public Schools

Prove it to me with change.

Breonna
Breonna Taylor shooting

I also try to remember that right now I am a female who’s currently wearing pants which once upon a time was unheard of. I’m a female who is employed and owns property of her own. So I know the world has made some progress in some areas and that makes me hopeful.

Unfortunately, sometimes you do not see progress unless push really does come to shove.  And when you compare the shove of looters to the shove of that man’s knee on the neck of an innocent man I know which one outrages me more.

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That’s why when people see only the riots and wonder “how will they make a change.” To that I say, “well it got your attention”. And I ask: What will you do now that you’ve been emotionally affected? Will you choose to hate the looters, or try to understand the protesters? Will you be upset about commerce and economy, or will you mourn with the families who have lost loved ones? Will you read the news from today or remember history?

Time is a problem. Humans live in bubbles. And those bubbles are getting smaller. We struggle to understand Darwin’s “theory” (and let’s remember it is just that: a theory) because we cannot grasp the concept of time required for evolution to take place. Our great-grandparents lived through plagues and wars and told us to expect more but we separate ourselves from history and think we are different. People respected the Coronavirus until it became boring, then social distancing lessoned. People see rioters and have already forgotten that days ago an innocent man was killed in public. How do I know he was innocent? I know because this is America and you are “innocent until proven guilty”. That is why the theater killer and the church killer are still alive. Two white boys who were proud of their separate actions and neither was harmed when taken down.  One even tried to booby trap the police, but he’s still alive.

People cannot seem to go beyond the small circle of their own brains. They seem incapable of reaching beyond themselves to see hints of truth, let alone the harsh, blunt, painful truth. Perhaps they are too frightened to search.

So today’s blog is a challenge to listen. Listening is so important and so many people are emotionally and mentally deaf. Listen to history. Listen to the survivors of hate. Listen to the survivors of injustice. Listen to more than just the latest news brief, more than just convenient conspiracy theories. Dive deeper, learn more, try to heal yourself. Because if you are only worried about the looters & do not understand why they exist, you are broken. If you are only worried about supporting or hating the cops, the system has succeeded in creating another blind subject. You are more than today’s news. You are more than your own life. You are a product of generations, of evolution, of humankind. It is a vast and complicated history that plays host to some very ugly, horrific truths. But until we are ALL willing to listen, and learn, we will never be ready to evolve, and change.

And change, is clearly what we need. The old ways have not been successful, today’s methods are not successful, help humanity evolve into a better place, and broaden your mind.

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“Come up with a better way”

If that is too difficult for you, seek some assistance. We all need help sometimes. But do try. Do think. Do evolve.

 
 
“When we talk about systemic racism, we’re not just talking about Black lives killed by police with no accountability. We’re not just talking about Black lives killed by COVID-19. We’re not just talking about a third of Black children in our country living in poverty, and millions of Black kids going to totally inadequate schools. We’re not just talking about Black women having a maternal death rate three times the rate of white women, and Black families owning 1/10th the wealth of white families. Instead, we are talking about a system of pervasive racism that impacts every aspect of our lives. This has got to end. We need equity for Black people, for Brown people, and for all who are marginalized and made disposable in a system and an economy that treats millions of people as unworthy of the basic decency of human respect.”
 
-Bernie Sanders

Continue reading “Blackout Tuesday – time to listen”